We’re in a safe space here, my friend.
So let’s be real. It’s okay to say it -
We absolutely love humanity, AND we sometimes can’t stand to be around people!
This might sound harsh to our extroverted friends, but if you’re an introverted empath or highly sensitive person like me, you’re probably nodding or smiling knowingly.
We want the best for people and we want to help. We definitely enjoy being around kind, like-spirited humans.
But gawdammit, engaging with people can get horribly draining and even painful sometimes - especially if we overextend our social capacity or are surrounded by folks who are putting out tons of negative vibes.
Need I remind you? Empaths and highly sensitive people can literally FEEL others’ emotions as if they are their own.
That’s why I place such a premium on self-care and building resilience for folks like us - because there’ll always be people who exude draining and negative energy in our lives, whether it’s a coworker, stranger on the street, troll on social media, or even a friend or family member.
If we’re lucky - or if we’re able to practice healthy boundaries - we won’t need to be exposed to this toxic energy very often or for extended periods of time. This way, you can still interact with the person while still protecting your emotional or spiritual health.
But what if you have no choice but to be around this negative, abrasive, or draining energy all the damn time?
Then self-care becomes even more important.
Specifically, you’ll want to get grounded before you interact with the person, protect your energy during your interaction with them, and engage in healing practices after the exchange.
I’ve personally used the 10 tools below to protect myself before, during, and after interacting with people who exude negative energy. Like all toolkits, they can be used together, alone, and in infinite configurations - whatever works for you is fair game.
I share these tools with you now because they’ve worked for me, and I hope at least some of them might work for you, too.
Loving kindness meditation
When you’re interacting with someone who’s giving off bitter, abrasive, or prickly vibes, it can be super easy to start taking their unhappiness personally.
And unless you actually did something that pissed them off (in which case, consider apologizing and moving on), how they’re showing up most definitely does not have anything to do with you.
So it is not your job to do anything about it. Let them mind their own issues, and let them address whatever unhappiness they’re experiencing by being the resilient adult that they are. They do not need you to save them from their own unhappiness.
What you can do is ensure you do not absorb or reflect whatever negativity they’re putting out - because that ain’t gonna help anybody.
I find that a loving kindness meditation helps with this. It helps me stay grounded in compassion and positivity, so I don’t unconsciously replicate the defensiveness or unproductive self-protection that the other person is putting out.
If you’ve never done a loving kindness meditation before, here’s a super easy way to get started:
Picture the person you’re about to interact with. Imagine them feeling safe, happy, and at ease. How do they look like and what are they doing?
Say out loud or in your head, “May you be safe, may you be happy, may you be free from pain.”
And again, imagine how they’d look when they’re safe, happy, and free from pain or suffering.
That’s it.
It might be hard to do this sometimes, especially if you feel a certain-kinda-way about the person.
In which case, it may be easier to do a loving kindness meditation about a loved one, a pet, or even yourself.
May I be safe, may I be happy, may I be free from pain.
Either way, doing a 3-second loving kindness meditation before or during a draining interaction can protect your energy by leveraging compassion as a powerful shield.
I suggest you check out this article from the Shine app if you want to dig deeper into loving kindness meditations. (I highly recommend this paid app if you want to build a daily reflection and contemplation practice. This is not a promotion; I personally use the Shine app on a daily basis and it’s been a great support for my mental health.)
In my experience, the feeling of compassion - when you’re truly feeling it deeply in your gut and body and heart - tends to eclipse whatever other petty BS may be circulating in your environment.
2. Fill your cup (and everything else)
When we’re feeling drained, the most simplistically simple thing to do is to fill ourselves back up. Duh!
That being said, I’m actually not a huge fan of the phrase “fill your cup” because… what the hell does that mean, anyway? Let’s get more concrete here. Enough with the vague metaphorical sh*t.
I like to think of it as: which needs require more attention?
Do I need more water? More time? More quiet? More rest? More fun? More inspiration? More connection with safe people? More space to meet my own needs in general, instead of everyone else’s?
Whatever I need more of is the thing I need to fill up on.
There may be certain needs that are more influential than others. For instance, my most influential needs are creativity, connection, and purpose. When I’m lacking these needs in my life, I tend to feel unhealthily vulnerable and irritable and easily triggered. But when these needs are met in abundance, WOW. I’m freakin’ unstoppable.
“Filling my cup” comes in very handy when I’m trying to build up my resilience before sharing space with negative energy, as well as when I’m trying to heal from a particularly gnarly interaction.
I figure, the happier I am, the less others’ unhappiness will impact me.
And on days when I’m so frazzled that I don’t even know how to fill my own cup…
And this might sound silly, so don’t laugh…
I try to fill other things.
Like, filling my tank with gas. Filling my glass with water. Filling my cats’ food bowls. Filling the soap dispenser with more soap. Filling the dishwasher with dishes.
Ultimately, filling anything - whether my spiritual and energetic cup or my cell phone battery - gives me a tiny feeling of abundance.
And that evidence of abundance, no matter how small, kicks me out of those feelings of lack and fear and desperation that are so often at the root of whatever negative vibes people experience.
3. Trauma-informed perspective
As I hinted at earlier, others’ unhappiness most likely have nothing to do with you.
I find it helpful to remind myself of this when I’m handling a particularly abrasive interaction.
The person has lived a whole life that I was not a part of, and that I did not bear witness to. They may have experienced the kind of hurt that caused them to self-protect in ways that were once helpful, but that are now no longer so.
Whatever the reason, they’ve learned that they are powerless or a victim or that others are out to get them. They have learned to default towards bitterness and to lash out as a way of self-protection.
Or, they might just be having a crappy day, like we all do from time to time.
And just like their unhappiness, their trauma is not for us to cure. Yes, our journey intersects with theirs, but their emotions are their own. Who knows how much they’ve lost in the past; let’s not take their emotions and make them ours, as well. Let’s not take yet another thing away from them.
Plus, being cognizant of the fact that I don’t know even a microcosm of their life story gives me a comforting vail of not-knowing. They could be giving off negative energy for an infinite number of reasons.
What are the odds that I am the cause of those reasons? Probably not a lot.
They are just doing the best they can, with an overactive amygdala and learned stories about who they are and how they should show up in the world. They’re just doing the best they can with what they’ve got, just like you and me.
This perspective protects against over-engagement with or over-personalization of whatever negative energy exists within our interactions.
4. Soothe the physical body
I find that soothing the body via the two suggestions below are both protective and healing for me when done before going into a negative environment as well as after.
Hands on heart - I dare you to try it right now! Put your right palm against your heart, and put your left palm on top of your right hand. Feel the weight and heat of your hands on your chest and feel the rise and fall of your breath. How does that feel?
On days when I’m feeling particularly sensitive to the vibe of others or when my heart feels especially vulnerable, this posture makes me feel instantly cared for.
Even if the person caring for me and holding me ever-so-tenderly is myself.
And if I’m able to be at ease with myself in this way, I’m more able to show up with ease and calm when I’m in the presence of others.
Open the hip joints - most of us carry a butt load of stress in our hips. What we need to be careful about is not carrying that unnecessary tension into every crevice of our day.
Doing hip stretches or hip-opening postures are a great way to release that pent-up tension from your physical body, so your mind and body are not clouded by stressful feelings that have nothing to do with the situation at hand.
I recently did a restorative yoga practice after an emotionally draining week, and let me tell ya, I was sore in some pretty surprising places. Sometimes, you won’t realize you’ve been clenching or holding tension in the major joints of your body until you go to stretch them.
Try this free 6-minute yoga practice from Yoga With Adriene if you need to open your hips and release some of that tension. Let it go so you can move forward with more lightness, no matter what heaviness or negativity is around you.
5. Circulation
When you’ve absorbed a TON of negative energy over an extended period of time, that sh*t can feel like it’s stuck in your being. It can be really hard to shake.
For me, the only thing that seems to work in this case is getting my blood pumping.
Images that come to mind: stirring the pot, loosening the sludge, burning off the yucky stuff, sweating out the toxins, and literally releasing whatever is stuck or stagnant - whether that be your body fluids, your muscles, or the emotions that are stuck in the soft tissues of your body.
Here’s some of my favorite ways to pump the icky stuff out and make space for healthy energy (and oxygen!) to flow. (Note: these suggestions are not for folks who have circulation or other underlying health issues.)
Cardio - even 10 minutes will do. For me, running tends to work Every. Single. Time. There’s something extremely soothing about the uninterrupted, rhythmic pumping of my arms and legs. And while I’m also a fan of interval training and other cardio exercises, the benefit of running is that I don’t have to use my mind or attention at all. On days when I'm already going down a mentally exhausting rabbit hole, replaying the less-than-pleasant interactions I had during the day, it’s helpful to just space out on a flat trail or track, observing the rhythms of my breath and body.
Massage - not only does massage help with lymphatic drainage and the loosening of tightness in the body, but caring human touch is healing as well, in and of itself. If you have spiritual inclinations (like I do), you might even believe that healing touch from a skilled practitioner can help clear your energetic channels or, at the very least, expose you to some extra positive vibes that can help buffer whatever negative juju you’ve picked up. Whatever you believe, massage is an exceptionally nourishing option for literally getting the juices flowing.
Sit in hot water - during moments when I was short on cash and couldn’t afford a massage, I’d opt for a nice soak in a local hot tub. Sometimes, this meant going to the communal hot tub in my apartment complex. And sometimes, this meant using the amenities at my local Korean spa for fifteen bucks. I find this to be an effective and affordable/free way to “stir the pot” when I’m too fatigued to do cardio exercises. It also helps me get deeper sleep during bouts of insomnia. And, for whatever reason, many INFJs and other intuitive introverts tend to find it healing to be in or around water - if it works, it works!
6. Genuine connection
For folks like us, the most draining or disconcerting type of social interaction is when inauthenticity or superficiality exists between the people involved.
Think about it: excessive small talk. When one or both people are telling untruths. Important thoughts or feelings left unsaid. Passive aggressive responses. Microagressions. Saying one thing, but body language saying something totally different. Feeling like you or the person you’re interacting with is playing a role. Using the other person as a vessel for word-vomiting.
None of the scenarios above demand the deeper curiosity that’s required for true connection between human souls.
They’re draining at best, and toxic at worst.
When I’m dealing with a lot of this inauthentic or “unseeing” energy, as I like to call it - because people aren’t actually being seen in these types of situations - it sometimes helps to counteract it with the exact opposite type of vibe.
See if you can use genuine, authentic, and curious connection as an antidote to the icky superficial or two-faced stuff.
Have an honest conversation with one of your “safe people”.
Sit in comfortable silence with a human or animal that can give you unconditional acceptance.
Share eye contact and a smile with your kind barista in the morning.
Initiate a hard conversation, making sure to treat yourself and the other person with compassion.
Share an unbridled belly laugh with a theater of strangers as you all watch a comedic movie together.
Text an old friend that you’re thinking of them, with no agenda or expectations.
We can’t control how others show up in the world or how they respond to us, but we can stay mindful of how we show up. We can choose to let others see our true selves; we can choose who we show ourselves to; and we can choose how, when, and where we engage with others.
In short, you always ALWAYS have the power to seek out the kinds of nourishing interactions you want, so that you can override the lingering effects of interactions that don’t serve you.
7. Protective mantras
When I’m short on time or energy, protective mantras help me to put up healthy boundaries - whether those boundaries are meant to protect myself before entering a soul-sucking interaction or to release my own attachment to negative juju after the fact.
I have certain mantras that I keep in my back pocket because they support a healthy level of attachment. They remind me that I don’t have to become attached to the feelings or energies of the interaction, because whatever hard or painful stuff they’re dealing with has nothing to do with me.
So I do not have to take on, absorb, or hold that negative energy beyond the container of that single interaction.
What I can do is amplify a healthy separation and neutrality, instead of amplifying the draining energy of the other person.
Maybe you’ll find these back-pocket mantras helpful, too:
This energy is not of or for me; return to sender.
I am me, you are you.
I am curious.
May you be well and free from suffering. May I be well and free from suffering. (Yes, this is a quick-and-dirty loving kindness meditation!)
I release that which does not belong to me.
I am whole, and can never be made un-whole.
When you’re an empath or highly sensitive person, it can be difficult to draw strong boundaries between yourself and others. Believe me, I know. It takes practice.
And that’s why mantras are meant to be repeated. Say them often.
8. Delight & awe
Speaking of setting healthy boundaries, it’s human nature to go down unproductive rabbit holes, get stuck in rumination, and overthink or replay unpleasant situations. It’s called the negativity bias, my friend.
And while our negativity bias was gifted to us as an evolutionary tool for survival, it’s not necessarily useful or helpful in many of our modern-day situations. In fact, an overactive negativity bias may actually be harmful to our relationships and mental health.
I’m not saying we should all be like Pollyana, here. I’m talking about having a truly balanced experience of life, without veering into the unhealthy extremes of cynicism or naivete.
Sometimes, we need to really focus on setting boundaries with ourselves, so that our all-too-human tendency to focus on negative thoughts or feelings doesn’t totally overrun our otherwise good or pretty-decent day.
And yes, there is a magic ratio to this: 5 to 1. Five pleasant experiences to every negative experience can tip the “negativity bias scale” so that you can experience your day with a more balanced perspective.
Now let’s get real: no one expects you to do the math in real life, as you’re going about your day. Can you imagine? “Oh no, I spent 10 minutes soaking up the gross negative vibes of Bob, so now I need to spend 50 minutes with peppy Polly to cleanse my aura.” Ha!
What the 5 to 1 ratio gives us is a general guide for just how important it is to seek out the positive on purpose.
For example…
You’re stuck in the elevator with a super cranky and unhappy coworker, so you make it a point to notice three of your coworkers who are smiling and greeting you with a friendly “hello” as you step off the elevator. You choose to deeply enjoy their kind greetings.
You just got off the phone with a loved one who dumped all their woes and drama on you. So you watch an inspiring, life-affirming movie that leaves you feeling hopeful and optimistic. You let yourself ugyl-cry with joy as you watch the touching and heartwarming finale.
You’re working with clients, students, or customers who lead really hard lives that you have to hear about every day. So you purposely notice all the signs of resilience around you - stories of people learning and growing, brilliant murals on the walls of an otherwise forgotten and under-resourced neighborhood, YouTube videos of adopted pets that are thriving against the odds, the trees and flowers that are growing out of the concrete outside your home.
Even though the mental/emotional states of play and care are known to promote long term resilience, I’ve found that the benefits of delight and awe are much quicker when I need to recover from a particularly heavy interaction, like, STAT.
Delighting in the cheerful whistle of a stranger or an inside joke with an old friend. Finding awe in the ingenious lyrics of every single Hamilton song or the way my cat’s tail twitches every time I call her name.
There’s hundreds - maybe thousands - of tiny moments every single day that are opportunities for experiencing delight and awe. We just need to notice them.
Here’s just some of my favorites:
Admiring nature, whether that means plants, animals, landscape, or sky
Enjoying art, whether that means fine art, books, films, TV shows, music, or dance
Delighting in the the time spent with people you love or doing what you love, even if you’re reflecting on past experiences via a photo or other visual cue
Observing human kindness, whether that means between strangers on the street, in the news, or reading about the work of nonprofits that resonate with you
9. White light visualization
It can be very healing and protective to do a white light visualization before or after interacting with someone with prickly energy.
The premise is simple: visualize a warm white light emitting from your center, and watch it expand until the light fills your entire body and begins to flow out of you, creating a glowing orb around you. This expansive white light prevents negative energy from entering your personal space, while also cleansing you of that which does not serve you.
Visualize this white light protecting you from the outside, while healing you from the inside.
If you’ve never done a white light visualization before, here’s a 10-minute visualization you can try.
Once you get used to it, you’ll be able to do a 10-second version of it at any point in your day. Being able to do this type of visualization “on demand” has helped me to stay resilient and grounded during draining interactions, time and again.
10. Physical space
When we have no choice but to interact regularly with people who have toxic energy gushing out of them 24/7, sometimes the best thing to do is just to create physical space between us and them, or physical space around us and them.
I don’t know why this works. Maybe it’s a biological instinct to put literal distance between us and that which we perceive as dangerous. Maybe it’s the instinct to give ourselves as much room as possible to escape, if needed. The innate knowing that we should avoid getting cornered when we’re in the presence of a threat.
Geographical space - if you absolutely must interact with someone who dumps negative energy on you, see if you can avoid interacting with them in-person. It’s 100% OK to take breaks from being in their physical presence. It’s much easier to “contain” their negative energy when you can limit interactions to time-bound conversations on the phone, emails, or text messages. This gives you much more control over when and where you engage with the person. Choose to engage with them only when you have the energy and internal resources to do so.
Spacious meeting spots - if you absolutely must meet in-person with someone who’s emitting toxic energy, pick an airy spot to meet. Outdoors, if possible. Or at the very least, a spacious room with plenty of natural light. Bonus points if you can do a visualization exercise in the meeting spot right before the interaction: imagine the toxic energy coming off the person in waves, dissipating into the empty space around them, getting so diluted that it ultimately disappears into the air.
Remember, you are gifted with heightened perception. To keep it a gift (and not a curse), we must practice self-care.
Protect your energy by respecting where others end and you begin.
Seek out that which fortifies you.
And allow yourself the time and space to heal and release.
Much love,
Diana